The Starting Line

This year has been extremely transformative. I have not had or not taken the time to write anything, as I have been busy with life. I completed two semesters of graduate school, my father came to live with us, we got married, bought a house, I quit my job and quickly found a new one, and all this in the midst of the chaos of the pandemic and political and social turmoil of 2020. And yet, if feel like I am standing at the starting line of a new life.

I had no idea that the trip we took to Florida at the very beginning of March would be the last bit of geographical freedom we would enjoy for a long time. I felt like there was a big shift going on inside of and around me, but I had no clue how much change was headed our way. Now, as I enjoy the last few days being home before I start my new part time position, I feel as though even more change is to come. I assume that the world will be very different in a few months, but the changes I anticipate seem to be at a much more personal level.

For about a month now, I have been practicing yoga in the morning and meditating at some point throughout the day. Some days I even took a little time to journal. The more I do these things, the more I feel centered, balanced, and the days feel less heavy. My back pain is slowly reducing and my chiropractor says it is healing. I have also taken the first steps to dipping my toes into the world of Reiki.

Although I am a bit of a critical observer, nothing but positive results have followed my pursuit of demi-spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation. So why not? My mother-in-law is a Shamanic Reiki healer, and I have had three sessions (distance sessions) so far. I also had one session with a different healer right after returning from Florida in early March. Each session has been different, profound, and beneficial.

I have set out to educate myself about Reiki, chakras, and spiritual self-healing. I randomly selected some books from amazon and ordered a bunch. So far, the book introducing the history and basics of Reiki has been most attractive. However, I have read farther in the chakra book, and find it all to be quite fascinating. I am stating to connect the dots in some of the terminology used in my yoga practices and what they really mean. I am also starting to learn that all good advice in life seems to be the same, only said in different ways and through different approaches. My current favorite is “relax, nothing is in control.”

Freedom

Grabbing a bottle to drown my sorrows is easy. Drinking to fuel the self destructive fire in my heart is effortless. Watching everything crumble around me is surreal yet common place. Living, feeling, and growing; that is hard.

Yet, change seems to happen easily when I am immersed in the program and fellowship of AA. Not being my first time around the rooms, I have the advantage of knowing that it works and have no trust barrier to get over or prejudices to climb free of. I didn’t even know it happened, but I found my strength again. Fear has left me, and I no longer feel like I’m being battered in the throws of life’s current. I’m at peace, sitting in a boat, letting life take me where it will.

I no longer fear my former abuser, and I have no fucking clue how that happened. Going from vomiting when I heard his voice, to being able to carry on a civil conversation about our son face to face in the matter of a month… it’s nothing short of amazing. Relief from that fear and trauma is like setting down a sack of bricks I was dragging around. No, I have not forgotten. No, what happened will never be “okay,” but I don’t have to continue to be at the mercy of that emotional torment. It no longer gets to weigh me down.

I could say I guess “[t]ime heals all things,” but it’s not just time. I have held on to grudges a clung to self righteous indignation for far longer in the past. This is time, growth, and trust in something greater that myself. I am truly amazed and grateful for the relief, freedom, and happiness I get to enjoy today.