The Starting Line

This year has been extremely transformative. I have not had or not taken the time to write anything, as I have been busy with life. I completed two semesters of graduate school, my father came to live with us, we got married, bought a house, I quit my job and quickly found a new one, and all this in the midst of the chaos of the pandemic and political and social turmoil of 2020. And yet, if feel like I am standing at the starting line of a new life.

I had no idea that the trip we took to Florida at the very beginning of March would be the last bit of geographical freedom we would enjoy for a long time. I felt like there was a big shift going on inside of and around me, but I had no clue how much change was headed our way. Now, as I enjoy the last few days being home before I start my new part time position, I feel as though even more change is to come. I assume that the world will be very different in a few months, but the changes I anticipate seem to be at a much more personal level.

For about a month now, I have been practicing yoga in the morning and meditating at some point throughout the day. Some days I even took a little time to journal. The more I do these things, the more I feel centered, balanced, and the days feel less heavy. My back pain is slowly reducing and my chiropractor says it is healing. I have also taken the first steps to dipping my toes into the world of Reiki.

Although I am a bit of a critical observer, nothing but positive results have followed my pursuit of demi-spiritual practices such as yoga and meditation. So why not? My mother-in-law is a Shamanic Reiki healer, and I have had three sessions (distance sessions) so far. I also had one session with a different healer right after returning from Florida in early March. Each session has been different, profound, and beneficial.

I have set out to educate myself about Reiki, chakras, and spiritual self-healing. I randomly selected some books from amazon and ordered a bunch. So far, the book introducing the history and basics of Reiki has been most attractive. However, I have read farther in the chakra book, and find it all to be quite fascinating. I am stating to connect the dots in some of the terminology used in my yoga practices and what they really mean. I am also starting to learn that all good advice in life seems to be the same, only said in different ways and through different approaches. My current favorite is “relax, nothing is in control.”

Is It Real?

In a couple hours, the closing for my former “marital residence” will take place. Neither I nor my ex will be there, but the attorney’s and realtors will be there to do their thing(s). Have you ever seen a real estate sale breakdown from the seller’s perspective? This is my first time, and I have to say that everyone that can stick their hand in the pot will do so. Transfer fees, association document fee, moving deposit, taxes, mortgage pay off, two lawyer’s fees for a divorce, and I’m sure I’m missing something else… The bottom line, net proceeds from a $95,000 condo sale is $16,700. Yep, that’s it.

Some people would be thrilled with $16,700. It’s nothing to turn your nose up at, but for someone with 60+ thousand dollars in unpaid, overdue debt; it is a drop in the bucket. Enter the next attorney: round three is Chapter 7 bankruptcy. I will be filing next week. My attorney already has all my financial documentation and a blank check for filing fees and his fee. My mother will be taking a good chunk of money right away toward the new flooring we installed to make her place livable. I’ll be left with maybe $1000 in “play” money, half of which will go to pay off two small personal loans long overdue repayment to family/friend, and the other half toward a much needed trip (hopefully). The rest of it goes in the bank for a rainy day, a used car, and/or towards a down payment somewhere down the line after my credit scores come back from the dead.

After the bankruptcy is filed, a long, arduous journey toward financial stability begins. Budgeting will ensue while trying to swing earning a master’s degree, working full time, and taking care of an almost four year old. All this while nurturing a healthy, loving relationship with my partner, helping him grow, both growing in our program, and doing all this packed snuggly into my mother’s condo. Oh boy, I think I need to start thinking about healthy ways to relieve tension, as I don’t want to take it out on the people I love and feel like I already am. Perhaps I will look into a cheap gym membership down the block or at the YMCA. Although playing the guitar is a good stress reliever, I am no good at it and need to make time for lessons. Exercising is one thing I can just pick up and do anytime, and I know it will work for me as it always has.

There are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I’d like to do. I want to keep learning to play, I am learning Japanese on my breaks at work on my phone, going back to school to pursue a new career… it’s all new, crazy, scary, exciting, exhausting, and weird. So, I think something grounding (along with maintaining my recovery program) is going to be more than necessary to keep me from flying off the handle. We all need something like that to help us through awkward transitional times, in my opinion. Yet the thought of making another commitment to anything right now is exhausting. Perhaps I shall take up my yearly fall running until it gets to be too cold outside. Then I can reconsider the whole gym thing. Sure why not?

Future plans aside, living in the now, today is going to be a good day. I am taking a step toward financial security, another step away from my ex, and finishing yet another huge, difficult life change. I have a three day weekend to look forward to, I get to leave work early today, and if all goes as planned, I can rest a little easier tonight. Time will tell, but it won’t be a long wait. About 3 hours to go, and I will know my fate. Is this for real?