Pauses in Between

I never know how to feel on the calm days amid the chaos right now. I’m always waiting for the next problem. I enjoy my “good” days. The good ones are days when I get to do things and spend time how and with whom I want to. On an uneventful, cloudy Monday afternoon, however, I don’t know how I feel. The highlight of my day with be getting to curl up in bed with my partner to go to sleep.

Nothing is wrong, and I am grateful for the peace. I’m grateful for many things right now, but today I’m just off. Though there is a definite benefit to having moments where you can just be and enjoy the moment, boredom and inactivity are states I’m both uncomfortable being in and have concluded are dangerous for my personality type.

If I’m not busy putting out fires,  eventually I’ll start one. I don’t know if I do it consciously or not, but I do know that I do it just to have something to fill the void. I’ll start focusing on something that I declare “wrong” in my life or find something that needs fixing and focus on it obsessively. If I don’t go that route, I start imagining problems that aren’t even real. I start worrying over potential future situations that are not even a reality and focus on that. I grab on to anything that I can keep my mind busy. It’s an exhausting way to live.

The chaos doesn’t relent for long these days. I just got an e-mail from my lawyer, and the allocation agreement is finally signed and to be submitted to the judge this Wednesday. My soon to be ex-husband will have unsupervised “parenting” time with my son for the first time in a year and a half. The order of protection will be altered for pick ups and drop offs, and my son will no longer be listed on it. So, I’ve got something new to worry over now.

My son’s father loves him, I’m sure, in his own way. The thing that scares me about him having time alone with our son is that his concept of love is very skewed and never prevented any of the emotional abuse I endured. I fear for my son, who is completely defenseless against the psychological and emotional manipulation that my husband is skilled in. I never had any intention of keeping them apart forever, but I’m lying if I say I’m anything but terrified he can take him on his own now.

After everything that has happened, he has done nothing to get help or grow as a person. I was fighting in the beginning to get him to go to counseling as a condition of having unsupervised time with our son, but he completely refused. There would have been no harm in it. It’s only a beneficial thing for everyone involved. I had to cave, though, in order to get things moving in this divorce. Now I’m scared I made the wrong decision.

Did I give in just to make my life easier? Have I subjected my son to an emotionally dangerous position just, because I couldn’t financially afford to keep fighting for him? I hate all of this.

Author: Becca

Returning to school at age thirty-two, I am pursing my Master's in Social Work, going through a financial overhaul, and learning to live and thrive in this completely new chapter of my life.

2 thoughts on “Pauses in Between”

  1. You did all that you could. All that anyone could. In the end, unless there are physical scars on your son, there is nothing that can be done to keep your ex-husband away from him. And even then ….

    I called CPS on my brother-in-law a couple of years ago because he’s an alcoholic that pinned his son down, force fed him green beans until the fork cut the top of his mouth to pieces – not to mention his violent temper when he is drinking, and the countless times he got mad and nearly beat his kids until they couldn’t sit down. CPS saw no reason to remove them from the home.

    So trust me when I say, there isn’t anything more you could have done. The law just doesn’t recognize these things.

    I give it a matter of time, and his willingness for visitation will lessen. Once he realizes that he actually has to take care of his son, I would imagine he might not come around as much. Or he will make excuses as to why he can’t get him. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times.

    But you really have done everything that you can. Please know that. This system is a failure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your nephew’s/niece’s situation. I don’t know why our legal system is so flawed when it comes to family and abuse. It seems so ridiculous and just common sense to protect children from abusers no matter who they are. The system needs a major overhaul.

      Thank you for your kind words. I expect he will get less and less involved as well. Just have to wait and see I guess.


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